Brew Classifieds: Week of April 1

The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section.

Careers

PATIENT SERVERS: Restaurant chain Chili’s is opening up a location near Scranton, PA, next week that will pay homage to The Office. Servers should be prepared to be frequently asked if they “feel God tonight” during their shifts.

FRIENDLY REALTOR: Thirty-one men in Huizhou, China, say they were tricked into buying apartments by their “girlfriends,” only to find out a group of 15 different women that all worked for the same real estate firm had orchestrated the scam. The men should have been skeptical the moment their dates told them their ideal guy was a 2br, 1.5 bath garden unit owner.

Personal

FOUND—SENTIMENTAL SIGN: Nearly three years after a Florida cafe owner thought his welcome sign had been washed away for good by Hurricane Ian, a customer returned it after spotting it in a pile of debris. Owner Dan Billheimer “started to tear up and he got really excited and emotional,” the customer told the WaPo.

STILL SEARCHING: A submarine stumbled upon a camera setup sent to the depths of the waters in Scotland to try to track Loch Ness in the 1970s. Scientists were able to develop some of the photos, but didn’t find any proof of an underwater creature. We need to pop an iPhone in a waterproof bag and send that sucker back down.

ADD ME: The kids, they are heading back to Tumblr. And we are being very uncool for telling you.

For sale

TOO MANY HANDS: Swiss luxury watch-maker Vacheron Constantin has created the most complicated wristwatch in the world, called the “Solaria Ultra Grand Complication.” It has 41 total complications, one of them being a gluten allergy.

KITCHEN GADGET: Gone are the days of throwing your mother into the fridge when you’re heading out on vacation. A new machine, called the The Sourdough Sidekick, automatically measures and feeds your starter, getting it ready for the precise minute you want to start baking. It costs $129 to back on Indiegogo and will bring an overwhelming sense of shame from your ancestors.

SMS-ENABLED VACUUM: Samsung created a cordless vac that notifies you when you’re getting a phone call or text, making an activity you’ve been procrastinating on doing even easier to put off.